Am I setting myself up for failure in the search for Prince Charming?

Please don't tell me the fairytale is really just a tall tale of make pretend pancakes. Will the real Fendi please stand up? The Anti Knock Off, Me.

and I am particularly blessed.

After it is all said and done, I can't say that it wasn't worth it. I still can't believe I did it. On Saturday it will all finally come together and at the end of the day I have to admit that I came out a stronger, more determined accomplished person in the end. Thank you.

At last.

and there is no place else that I would rather be. Even though things are not clear, even though at first I felt strange, even though I don't think you are sure that this is what you want. There is no place I'd rather be then right here laying next to you.

A breath of fresh air, finally.

After several months of sleepless nights and wondering why today I am at peace. No more madness, mo more craziness, no more tears, no more wondering, no more wishing, no more hoping. After several months- no more. Done, Me.

The world forgetting by the world forgot.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot the world forgetting by the world forgot, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each prayer accepted each wish resigned."- A. Pope We will forget more than we will remember. We will have impressions more than recollections. It is more important to have a pure heart than a spotless mind, for then at least we get to make up our own minds. So how happy is the blameless Vestal's lot? As happy as you are to be blameless, empty, meaningless, blank, without the weight of choice or consequence. The liberty of the lack of responsibility is naturally also the restraint of "each wish resign'd". If we want only what we're given - is that happiness?

Ebbing and Flowing.

Heart: And you left me standing in the middle of the street and you you drove away. I actually stood there and watched your car drift further and further away. For a moment I thought you were going to turn around, for a second I thought you were going to stop the car and get out and I even pictured it in my mind. I pictured me walking towards you and us stoping somewhere in the middle. But you kept driving and I stayed standing there. Then I closed my eyes and I waited for the infamous shoulder tap and the radio anouncer voice but it didn't come. What came was the voice in my head telling me the dreaded words that are sewn inside my soul forever. Mind: Everyone leaves and in the end you're alone.

There are no "Happy Endings"

Endings usually suck. What the hell is ever after anyway? Perhaps I want the fairytale because deep down inside I know it doesn't exist. If it can't happen because its not real then it won't hurt me. I am in love with a fictional character. In my mind he is perfect. In my mind everything is always perfect. Out of my mind, Me.

Suffering the unforeseeable

Addiction: The hallmark of every infatuation based love story. You bestowed upon me a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something I never thought I wanted-an emotional bump, a thunderous love and rolling excitement. And now I am craving that intensity, with a hungry obsession of a junkie. When (you) the drug are withheld, I get sick and crazy, (not to mention resentful) Please don't leave me skinny and shaking in a corner. Addicted, Me.

Semi-Autonomous Woman.

I wish I was able to understand my version of this reality. Everyday I am deeper in the rabbit hole I fall and although it is a graceful fall it is still a fall nonetheless. Am I my heart? Because if I am and at this moment my heart falls in love and it fails and it dies. What is dead then? My heart or my love? What is it How can I understand my version of this reality? Is this reality? What is this? What is it? My emotions are the slaves of my thoughts and I am the slave of my emotions. And I am scared- If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your aspirations to succeed (in every definition of the word). I will protect you from your own insecurities. I will protect you and all the amazing qualities some of which you may have not yet even cultivated in yourself. I will give you the sky and the stars, and if they are not available, I will create them out of the very air we breathe. And I will do this everyday until I exhaust myself. I will do this until I am so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with with the ability to feel nothing. I don't want this to happen to me; more importantly I don't want this to happen to us. Whatever us that is. Be it the artistic creative us, or the us that we are becoming. But I already love you and that means that the "if" in this equation is no longer a possibility because it already is. So what are we becoming? Will I exhaust, deplete and self destruct in my attempt to carry for you all of your pain? Each version of me is a product of my relationship with someone. This confirms that our identities change based on who we are with. Who are we? Help me understand my version of this reality. Because I know I will look back at this moment in my life and I will understand that if we fail I will have mourned but my life will also have evolved. But that is not all that I want this to be and eventually everything goes away. And I don't want to become infatuated with feeling nothing.

Disambiguation

Dear Writers Block, Fuck you. Me.

Haters, continue to kiss my ass.

Dear Haters, (you know who you are) You don't phase me. You don't intimidate me. I still do and say what I want. You walk out of my life because you are stupid and you lose not me. I am honest. I respect you and your decisions even the bad ones because I respect what makes you happy. I'm sorry that you can't do the same. Your blunders don't mean shit to me because I'm way too busy minding my awesomeness. Staying Fabulous, Me- Marketing Director for whomever the fuck I want- obviously not you because you don't respect me.

Ne Plus Ultra

Where are we headed where shall we go. Not sure what to say and don't think we'll know. But you're on my mind despite what it says, and my heart confirms it come what may. Why did I meet you, where I have you been is there a race who will win- am I wrong to just want to swim?

Lost withtout love

Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don’t know. She probably doesn't even know.

xoxo,
me

Wondering if...

If your heart had a flavor I'd say it would be chocolate; a bittersweet combination of a perfect sweet and sour.

The beginning of the end.

Sometimes things seem broken and endless. We don’t always understand why or why not and too often we fail to see that truth. Happy or not every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Detachment.

Even when I detach, I care. I can be separated from you, from your love, from our conversations and it always comes back to you. Detachment from our past is a temporary fix to a permanent emotion.


Permanently Yours,
Me.

Go away!!!!

The Flu has me hostage for 5 days. Ahhh- bedridden and feeling like roadkill!

Cough,
Me.

To Ms from Mrs.

I broke up with the China today.

I set it free for someone else to have their way- with it.
I wrapped the drinking glasses in old news paper and I watched the forks and knives argue about reality and make pretend.
I counted the tea cups and plates we were getting rid of along with the pots and pans and the oven gloves.
All the old doilies and kitchen rags I just threw in some paper bag- named what if.

And yesterday's wine glasses those I kept; I plan on breaking them into a new tomorrow with lots of hope and little sorrow.

I contemplated the day we bought most things, and wondered about and within;
old coffee mugs, and tethered vases, I'm not sure how to hold together what the mind replaces and all the empty spaces inside the cabinets and shelves where memories still hide- the heart erases.
Scents and smells, seasons of sad days, old floury trails and cake mixes, sugary betrayals and quick fixes.
Some things I kept but most I threw out, it was hard to let go of what fit so nicely; could've, should've but not precisely-

I swept up the dust of what use to be out the front door and I watched the pieces of doubt and regret float around less and more.

The little bird inside me is wondering what will be and what we had- both scared and sad.
A little empty in my bitter-sweetness;
To Ms from Mrs.

Seek to express...

Sometimes I feel a little lost. But I prefer being lost then having to depend on anyone else to get me going to where I need to be. That is the thing about being alone; good, bad or in between it is always if nothing else my own.

High Expectations

After having numerous conversations about love and relationships with a lot of different people I realize that a lot of us have had the same experience on more than one occasion. We have had a serious infatuation. We have been in love with the idea of love.

The state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion. An addictive adoration; an unusual love where one is inspired with an intense but short-lived admiration for someone.

A concept; something imagined. So we fall in love with the idea of a man. If you are like me you fall in love with the highest potential of that idea then you wait perpetually for him to ascend into his awesomeness. During this waiting game you build his ego and turn him into this massive Lion of a man when in reality he still just a baby kitten. You watch him as he becomes a little more your greatest version of him everyday. You watch him go through trials and tribulations, peeks and valleys. And then one day he reaches "his" greatness and you are finally just disappointed.

Your expectation of awesomeness may be too high. Sometimes the end result of his ascending and your expectations never quite measure up.

After having numerous conversations about love and relationships with a lot of different people I realize that a lot of us have had the same experience on more than one occasion.

We are simply in love with the "idea" of love.

Love to love,
Me.

Swift feet on a muddy path.

Cheaters:

Fuck You for cheating on me.
Fuck you for reducing me to one word. This isn't a card game. And who invented the word cheater, anyway? Perhaps someone who thought liar and devastator were way too harsh. The same person who wasn't consistent enough to give their feelings any emotional weight. Fuck you. This isn't about making up a word in a game of scrabble. These are lives; that you go and break- and you are so much worse then a cheater. You killed something and you killed it when it wasn't looking.

Committed,
Me.

#him

This is for you.
You are too hard on yourself. Life does not come with an instruction manual. So what if you are 36? This does not mean your life is over. So what if you made some bad decisions in the past; this is not it. This vortex that you claim to be in is self created. So get out.

If you want it, then get it. Why not? Everyone else does it. So why shouldn't you be able to? The only thing stopping you is yourself and your fear of the unfamiliar for the safety of the known. You rather stay unhappy in the familiar, then risk anything for the change; for the unknown- even being happy. CRAZY!

You have so much going for you that you don't see. You are smart, sexy, funny, (sometimes, lol) quirky, laid back- young. I don't understand what it is that is holding you back, other than your fear.

People fail. Henry Ford didn't build Ford Motors on the first try in fact he failed times before Ford was established. Not every one is Bill Gates. It isn't that hard to figure out though.

You try until you are happy and you don't give up. It isn't going to be easy, it's probably going to be very hard. But then again, the easy choices in life are never the right ones.

Rome,
Me.

Valentine's Day:

Will you be mine?

Sometimes the thrill is in the chase. If you genuinely are in love you will go through extreme measures to prove your love and to teach a lesson. And if you aren't well then you don't have to do anything. Here is the thing though, women are generally waiting to be rescued and men are generally scared.

What sucks about this arrangement is that too often we mistake a lot of things for love like perhaps the "idea" of loving and being loved and we get confused about what love actually is, what it feels like. By that time we are in our 30's and going through some sort of midlife crises, then we say to ourselves is this love or is this a midlife crises?
Hence, there we are- right were we started.

Woman: I want the fairy tale.
Man: I am not Edward Lewis.

We really want to know what it is like to be rescued, but how do we separate genuine from douche bag? It's a difficult task and especially hard on holidays like Valentine's day where its a douche eat douche world.

So in ode to all the douches both women and men, you will not be mine... but hey look at the bright side you'll still have each other.

* Dedicated to my favorite Leo.

Forever the fairytale,
Me.

I will persist.

I recognize that each day I am tested by life. If I persist, if I continue to try, if I continue to charge forward, I will succeed.

I will persist until I succeed.

I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Failure is not my destiny.

I will persist until I succeed.

The prizes of life are at the end of each journey, not near the beginning; and it is not given to me to know how many steps are necessary in order to reach my goal. Failure I may still encounter at the thousandth step, yet success hides just around the bend of the road. Never will I know how close it lies unless I turn the corner.

I will always take another step. If I don't find success in that step, I will take another, and yet another. In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will consider each day's effort as one hard blow against a tall oak tree. The first blow may cause not a tremor in the wood, nor the second, nor the third. Each blow, of itself, may be trifling, and seem of no consequence. Yet from childish swipes it will eventually tumble. So it will be with my efforts of today.

I will be liken to the rain drop which washes away the mountain; the ant who devours a tiger; the star which brightens the earth; the slave who builds a pyramid. I will build my castle one brick at a time for I know that small attempts, repeated, will complete any undertaking.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will never consider defeat and I will remove from my vocabulary such words and phrases as: quit, cannot, unable, impossible, out of the question, improbable, failure, unworkable, hopeless, and retreat; for they are the words of fools. I will avoid despair but if this disease of the mind should infect me then I will work on in despair. I will toil and I will endure. I will ignore the obstacles at my feet and keep my eyes on the goals above my head, because I know to well that where dry desert ends, green grass grows.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will remember the ancient law of averages and I will bend it to my good. I will persist with knowledge that each failure to sell will increase my chance for success at the next attempt. Each no I hear will bring me closer to yes. Each frown I meet only prepares me for the smile to come. Each misfortune I encounter will carry in it the seeds of tomorrow's good luck. I must have the night to appreciate the day. I must fail often to succeed only once.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will try, and try, and try again. Each obstacle I will consider as a mere detour to my goal and a challenge to my profession. I will persist and develop my skills as the sailors develop theirs, by learning to ride out the wrath of each and every storm.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will learn and apply another secret of those who excel in my work. When each day is ended, not regarding whether it has been a success or a failure, I will attempt to achieve my tasks even when I do not succeed and the end of the day is near. When my thoughts beckon my tired mind to give up for the day, I will resist the temptation.

I will try again. I will make one more attempt to close my day with victory. I will never allow any day to end with a failure.
I will plant the seed of tomorrow's success and gain an insurmountable advantage over those who cease their labor at a prescribed time. When others cease their struggle, then mine will begin, and my harvest will be full.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will not allow yesterday's success to lure me into today's complacency, this is the great foundation of failure. I will forget the happenings of the day that is gone, whether they were good or bad, and greet the new sun with confidence that this will be the best day of my life.

So long as there is breath in me, will I persist and I know that if I persist long enough I will win.

I will persist.

I will win.

I will wait for you.

My feelings for you: A'La Dispute.

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every broken promise
That your body couldn't keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.

I thought I heard the door open, oh no,
I thought I heard the door open but
I only heard it close.

I thought I heard a plane crashing, but
Now I think it was your passion snapping.

I think you saw me confronting my fear, it
Went up with a bottle and went down with the beer and
I think you ought to stay away from here
There are ghosts in the walls and they
Crawl in your head through your ear.

I think I saw you in my sleep, lover,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every mangled promise
That your body couldn't keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep

Survey Says:

Wild card.

At the end of the day that is what it comes down to. Photo-finish, never ever a dull moment, infamous shoulder tap, wildcard-
and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Staying passionate,
Me.

Postcards.

Still now, I send letters into space hoping that some mailman somewhere will track you down and recognize you from the description in my words. That he will place the stack of them in your hands, and tell you: "There is a girl who still writes you because she doesn't know how not to"

Sarah Kay-

Dreams about you...

I know you are thinking about me. Lately the thoughts and the energy that I feel inside me is insanely strong.

I’m having dreams about you.
I wanna scream about you.

With everything you’ve done
I was the girl who seemed to own your world
There were things about you.
I took a chance to call you my own,
I didn’t know a thing about you.
I thought you could love, what a fool I was.


You said that love was dead and in my head I just couldn’t believe it.
And on the phone you said you never knew me at all.
I thought there was love, what a fool I was.

Everything was in hypo chains just like an old time movie.
I don’t understand, I can’t comprehend, I guess it really doesn’t matter.
Every dream, nightmare, nothing really matters.
I thought I was loved, what a fool I was.

With my honey to the moon...

I dreamed of us last night.

In a series of craziness much like our relationship, I dreamed that we were at a happy hour and you started kissing me. I was of course freaking out. We left together and you took me to your house, forgetting that you were now married. When we got to your neighborhood you realized that you no longer lived there but you pointed at your new house with her.

In the dream I was really nervous and anxious and I really didn't care how any of this would end and much less how it would make her feel. I decide to follow your lead and we walked inside your new house. Your brother was waiting for you sitting on the couch and he was pretty upset that you were with me. We walk in and she says hello to the both of us- not knowing who I was exactly.

She is preparing to host some type of gathering for some guests who later arrive while I am waiting for you to shower and get ready to leave with me. At this point there is really no turning back. I'm super happy just knowing that you are leaving with me, that I have won.

When the guests arrive they know me, and overwhelmed with excitement they call my name. This obviously blows my cover. She figures out who I am and flips her lid. You just look at her and tell her you are sorry. Next thing I know the three of us are at an office annulling your marriage.

She was so sad. The look of failure overcame her splendor. I was laughing and we were hugging and having a great time. Suddenly, it dawned on me- I stopped for a second and looked at you and us, and then her and I thought to myself: "Now what am I going to do, I don't love him- I don't want to be with him. Even after all this I am still bittersweet"
Just then I realized I was dreaming and I felt so relieved.
Funny how the mind works.

Loving the Orchids in the Banana Republic,
Me.

Life.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure.

- Me.