Semi-Autonomous Woman.

I wish I was able to understand my version of this reality. Everyday I am deeper in the rabbit hole I fall and although it is a graceful fall it is still a fall nonetheless. Am I my heart? Because if I am and at this moment my heart falls in love and it fails and it dies. What is dead then? My heart or my love? What is it How can I understand my version of this reality? Is this reality? What is this? What is it? My emotions are the slaves of my thoughts and I am the slave of my emotions. And I am scared- If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your aspirations to succeed (in every definition of the word). I will protect you from your own insecurities. I will protect you and all the amazing qualities some of which you may have not yet even cultivated in yourself. I will give you the sky and the stars, and if they are not available, I will create them out of the very air we breathe. And I will do this everyday until I exhaust myself. I will do this until I am so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with with the ability to feel nothing. I don't want this to happen to me; more importantly I don't want this to happen to us. Whatever us that is. Be it the artistic creative us, or the us that we are becoming. But I already love you and that means that the "if" in this equation is no longer a possibility because it already is. So what are we becoming? Will I exhaust, deplete and self destruct in my attempt to carry for you all of your pain? Each version of me is a product of my relationship with someone. This confirms that our identities change based on who we are with. Who are we? Help me understand my version of this reality. Because I know I will look back at this moment in my life and I will understand that if we fail I will have mourned but my life will also have evolved. But that is not all that I want this to be and eventually everything goes away. And I don't want to become infatuated with feeling nothing.