Mind over Matter.

It's been almost 2 months. I haven't felt this much animosity towards someone in my entire life. This has affected me in so many ways, creatively especially.


It's surprisingly difficult for me to do things since you always find your way into my mind. I still can picture the rose you drew for me and how you thought you could have done better, though it was beautiful.
I miss you, terribly your scars, I miss you.
I miss the way you got mad at me when our plans go through the way you hoped.
I miss your phone calls and crazy text messages.
I don't know why. I shouldn't because you hurt me and you mistreated me- unknowingly I guess, but that doesn't excuse your madness, nor does it make the soreness in my insides away.

I miss our passion though I am convinced it was all false pretense on your part. I miss the way you reassured me that you loved me and cared about me and how I never doubted it. ilyfe, remember?
I never wanted to tell you that I was the jealous type, but I always was.
I never thought you could be my type maybe that's why.

Now I think back about how you said "you weren't the one for me" and I wish I could tell you to your face how right you are. I don't regret the things I'm not proud of doing because I realize that the past is set in stone, and I know "should have" doesn't exist, but I really wish it did exist with you.

You hurt me but I also hurt myself and I continue to hurt myself trying to repress my feelings to get over you and it's working. I was always broken.

In a way, I'm glad this happened to me because for the first time in my life, I truly grasp the concept of love everyday. Some days are harder than others but on most days I remind myself how I wanted to lose hope. I wanted to lose hope because I wanted to protect my feelings and know that I've lost all hope my feelings are more hurt than I ever thought possible and I am becoming a stronger person as a result of this.

You taught me that I needed to be vulnerable sometimes. You also taught me that people don't change and they also aren't always genuine. You taught me that being bare means to really expose your insides and nothing can protect those. You taught me that being guarded means not ever trusting anyone no matter who. You taught me to doubt love.
You told me so many times that you weren't good for me and I never got the chance to thank you.

You've made me so jaded and I know that somehow makes you happy. I know that reading this also makes you happy. You told me once "When you write about me, good or bad it makes me happy because its ME you are writing about"

Every night I go to bed alone, wondering, waiting, hoping, praying, wanting needing, crying, tossing, turning... what for? You.

and you are so not worth what I'm going through. You're a sleepwalker. Day in and day out you live your life like its owed to you, not understanding that it isn't. You let your past get the best of us and I just want you to explain one thing to me: If you loved me, if you were so sure that I was the one then how could you let me walk away? How could you forget us?

I hate you for pretending to love me.
I hate you for pretending that you would do anything for us.
I hate you for forgetting to specify it was only if things were the way you wanted them to be that we would make it.
I hate you for telling me that you wanted to be with me forever.
I hate you for giving me failed hopes.
I hate you for giving me false and elevated expectations.
I hate you for your empty promises.
I hate you for your lies.
I hate you.


Love to hate you,
Me.