What I've learned thus far...
Last night I dreamt with an old cassette deck. In the dream, I kept on playing "Linger" by the Cranberries over and over again. It was a Fuji cassette and in red faded ink it said "Elderly Women Behind the Counter in a Small Town." I couldn't help but wonder why it said that on the outside and what was actually on it was "Linger." I didn't understand the message within the message and I will leave it up to you to decipher. But I will tell you this, the mind is vast.
Vast: –adjective
1.
of very great area or extent; immense.
Like the ocean the sky and outer-space.
I don't think we understand its power. I think that we underestimate what we can do with our minds. I don't think we really understand when we so often read things like "thoughts become things"- because when they really do, we actually are left dumbfounded and wondering what happened. If only we would carefully listen to the voice of reasoning. If only we would concentrate in the things that we truly want to accomplish, the things that make us blissfully happy, and the things that we are meant to be doing. Ahh, but that is all too easy. So what do we do? We choose to focus on the things that we don't want to experience because we are so afraid of going through the pain, but what ends up happening?
After carefully thinking about my dream last night, searching the lyrics several times and trying to figure out the message I realize that I too was afraid. I was so afraid of losing you, that in the process I lost myself. But inadvertently something great has come out of the madness. Something bigger than me, something bigger than us, something bigger than I ever imagined my pain could ever be.
I can listen to our favorite song a million times and go over the same scenario in my mind time and time again but eventually hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.
I've decided to remove all of my love letter posts from this blog after this, my 100th post this year. You know I'm such a fool for you...
Not at all,
Me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Vindicated.
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am Vindicated *
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Over sized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption.
Dashboard Confessionals.
This will not destroy me.
I may not be okay right now, but this will not destroy me. I keep playing the scene in my mind, it's a surreal crazy thought to even conceive. But, I wish you well.
It could be worse for me, I could be you.
Thankful,
Me.
It could be worse for me, I could be you.
Thankful,
Me.
Actions and Words
Your words + Your actions = Trifling.
Things aren't black and white anymore now they black and blue. You should be so ashamed of yourself.
Things aren't black and white anymore now they black and blue. You should be so ashamed of yourself.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Greatest Gift.
My father once told me that love and fear would inspire me. I didn't quite understand what he meant by that. He taught me a lot of things that I didn't understand at the time. I think about those things now and of course with time I have learned the brilliance in his teachings to me as a child.
So in honor of the most important man in my life, here is what he preached:
1. With regard to whatever worries you, not only accept the worst thing that could happen, but make it a point to quantify what the worst thing could be.
2. Measure everything of significance.
3. Never let anyone push you around.
4. Never expect life to be fair. Life isn't fair. You make your own breaks. You'll be doing good if the only meaning fair has to you is something you pay when you get on a bus. (fare)
5. Solve your own problems.
6. Always know exactly what you want and DO NOT settle for anything less.
7. When something good is over, don't cry. When something bad is over, don't cry. Know the difference.
8. The easy choice is NEVER the right choice. **
9. Don't procrastinate or worry about making money, take action and think only about making value.
10. Find your passion and commit to continuing learning.
11. Forgive quickly, Be kind to people, but most importantly be kind to yourself.
12. The glass IS. The glass isn't have full or half empty the glass simply is. Enjoy life as it is.
13. Don't be reckless with anyone's heart and don't put up with anyone who is reckless with yours. Feelings are an important part of life, and everyone's are different.
14. When a man loves you he will respect you. It isn't his job to educate or comment on your life. It is his job to make you feel safe.
15. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
16. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
17. Do not trust men that don't keep their word and make you promises. Men don't make promises, they don't need to since they always keep their word.
18. Your choices are half chance. So choose wisely, and know there will always be consequence.
19. Raise the bar consistently everyday and never ever settle for anything but the best and nothing less.
20. When you feel alone listen to the voice of reason and it isn't the voice telling you that you are lonely.
I love my father. I forget sometimes these little lessons that he so carefully thought out to teach me. It is so simple. I may not know a lot of the things I want in life yet. But there is one thing that I will always know no matter what. I don't ever want to disappoint my father.
Forever Daddy's little girl,
Me.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Handling Insults and Maintaining Compassion
One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."
Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"
The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."
The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger.
If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you.
You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."
"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."
www.funzug.com
Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"
The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."
The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger.
If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you.
You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."
"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."
www.funzug.com
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Game Over.
The only reason we hold back is because we think we have an endless amount of chances or that there will always be one more. As time disappears into the past and life goes on, those chances will run out and you’ll either live with eternal happiness for being brave, or eternal regret for holding back. Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
SO what if you are beyond being accepted by the norm? What is normal anyway? Be original. Originality implies that you are bold enough to go beyond what is accepted.
So whats it gonna be?
Me.
SO what if you are beyond being accepted by the norm? What is normal anyway? Be original. Originality implies that you are bold enough to go beyond what is accepted.
So whats it gonna be?
Me.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's.....
Motivation:
The force that initiates, guides and maintains goal-oriented behaviors. Motivation is what causes us to act. It is what causes us to take action, whether to grab a snack to reduce hunger or enroll in college to earn a degree.
The forces that lie beneath motivation can be biological, social, emotional or cognitive in nature.
It involves the biological, emotional, social and cognitive forces that activate behavior.
Why do you do things? Motivation.
Ready, Set, Wonder-Woman-
Me
The force that initiates, guides and maintains goal-oriented behaviors. Motivation is what causes us to act. It is what causes us to take action, whether to grab a snack to reduce hunger or enroll in college to earn a degree.
The forces that lie beneath motivation can be biological, social, emotional or cognitive in nature.
It involves the biological, emotional, social and cognitive forces that activate behavior.
Why do you do things? Motivation.
Ready, Set, Wonder-Woman-
Me
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Allergies...
Why am I allergic? Even the simplest things are sometimes a challenge.
Enduring the dander and loving the "Jedi",
Achoooo, Me
Monday, June 6, 2011
What dreams may come.
I washed up on a waterfront filled with the old ship wrecks along the seashore that slowly began disappearing one by one into the salty sea and on to a harbor with a dark city alongside it. I too noticed that the ships were not moving on their on volition, they were being tugged by a beautiful mermaid. A crowd began to gather at this this phenomena. The harbor was misty and the city was unclear and deserted. A strong wind started transcending.
Seeing these ships made me worry. I am not sure why, perhaps it was the black muck that began to stir as the mermaid struggled to make it safely on to the harbor.
The resources at play seemed scant and the situation almost impossible one after the other the wrecks were being pulled to sea and an amazing light bathed the town each time one made it successfully to the harbor.
My amazement grew when I found myself at sea and near some ropes on the attempt to pull the very last ship. It was a pirate ship dark and mysterious. The anchors were tied to its sides and they suddenly came to life with feeling and personality.
I noticed them and they immediately noticed me. It was a strange encounter. I knew that should they jump the ship would then be anchored and moving it near the harbor would be more impossible than it already seemed, for just me.
I was dumbfounded to find that the ropes tied to the anchors were no bigger than shoe laces and at one point a dried broken branch from a nearby tree served as a pin to secure them.
Why was I the conductor of this symphony? I started to tire, and feel weak and before I knew it; the anchors took their leap and I realized that all along they were just waiting for my weaknesses to settle to secure the ship far from the harbor and in the fury of the open sea.
Every time I saw each ship reach the harbor the city lights would shine ever so beautifully. The mist started slowly clearing out. I could see the mermaid from afar wanting to help me with this last ship, but she too was afraid of the anchors- I didn't understand where I stood or how I was able to be so close to this ship and yet so far from the harbor. What I was standing on I could not see and the waves were so much bigger than I was, it was difficult to look down without losing my balance. I was barely clothed and barefoot. Every time the waves would crash against me, I carefully stood up despite the coldness in my chest and the prickling under my feet.
I kept thinking of ways to reach the harbor. I wanted so badly to tug this ship to a safe place. I wanted to befriend the anchors. I felt I had to. I somehow lifted and to my own disbelief I was aboard the pirate ship now and I felt a gentle voice tell me "I know they hurt. How did you get these eggshells at the bottom of your feet? They've been there for so long, this salt will help your wounds fester".
I was confused and disoriented. I felt sick and afraid.
I was tired and distressed by the time I woke up and this was the only one wreck that was left at sea. These emotions I felt in the dream were still with me when I opened my eyes and I found myself safely tangled in bed sheets.
Why do we dream? What purpose do dreams serve? We spend so much dreaming there has to be an explanation and if their isn't then why do we dream? Are the images conveying a message? Are the thoughts and emotions a way of our subconscious mind giving us a signal of whats coming?
Dreams: They can be extraordinarily vivid or very vague. They can be filled with emotion be it fear or joy, frightening images or beautiful scenery. The can be focused and understandable or unclear and confusing.
But the question remains...
Why do we dream?
Seeing these ships made me worry. I am not sure why, perhaps it was the black muck that began to stir as the mermaid struggled to make it safely on to the harbor.
The resources at play seemed scant and the situation almost impossible one after the other the wrecks were being pulled to sea and an amazing light bathed the town each time one made it successfully to the harbor.
My amazement grew when I found myself at sea and near some ropes on the attempt to pull the very last ship. It was a pirate ship dark and mysterious. The anchors were tied to its sides and they suddenly came to life with feeling and personality.
I noticed them and they immediately noticed me. It was a strange encounter. I knew that should they jump the ship would then be anchored and moving it near the harbor would be more impossible than it already seemed, for just me.
I was dumbfounded to find that the ropes tied to the anchors were no bigger than shoe laces and at one point a dried broken branch from a nearby tree served as a pin to secure them.
Why was I the conductor of this symphony? I started to tire, and feel weak and before I knew it; the anchors took their leap and I realized that all along they were just waiting for my weaknesses to settle to secure the ship far from the harbor and in the fury of the open sea.
Every time I saw each ship reach the harbor the city lights would shine ever so beautifully. The mist started slowly clearing out. I could see the mermaid from afar wanting to help me with this last ship, but she too was afraid of the anchors- I didn't understand where I stood or how I was able to be so close to this ship and yet so far from the harbor. What I was standing on I could not see and the waves were so much bigger than I was, it was difficult to look down without losing my balance. I was barely clothed and barefoot. Every time the waves would crash against me, I carefully stood up despite the coldness in my chest and the prickling under my feet.
I kept thinking of ways to reach the harbor. I wanted so badly to tug this ship to a safe place. I wanted to befriend the anchors. I felt I had to. I somehow lifted and to my own disbelief I was aboard the pirate ship now and I felt a gentle voice tell me "I know they hurt. How did you get these eggshells at the bottom of your feet? They've been there for so long, this salt will help your wounds fester".
I was confused and disoriented. I felt sick and afraid.
I was tired and distressed by the time I woke up and this was the only one wreck that was left at sea. These emotions I felt in the dream were still with me when I opened my eyes and I found myself safely tangled in bed sheets.
Why do we dream? What purpose do dreams serve? We spend so much dreaming there has to be an explanation and if their isn't then why do we dream? Are the images conveying a message? Are the thoughts and emotions a way of our subconscious mind giving us a signal of whats coming?
Dreams: They can be extraordinarily vivid or very vague. They can be filled with emotion be it fear or joy, frightening images or beautiful scenery. The can be focused and understandable or unclear and confusing.
But the question remains...
Why do we dream?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Carpe Diem
After a long night of impartial thinking, of the truths, and after much calling upon the higher beings to give me the strength to seize the moment of truth; today I find myself at peace, by both principles and reason.
So I can gracefully embrace what life has in store for me.
So I can gracefully embrace what life has in store for me.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Loneliness
An unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and solitude.
The physical absence of a meaningful person.
Subjectively,
Me.
The physical absence of a meaningful person.
Subjectively,
Me.
Distance and Time
Its difficult to take it all in, I know. We may not have that happy ending because true love never ends but letting go is saying I love you.
I love you enough to watch you walk away, because deep down inside I know that is what you want.
We are all afraid of our own reality and our feelings most of all. We talk about how great love is but it isn't always great. Love hurts and feelings are sometimes disturbing. For so long we are taught that pain is evil. But how can we even deal with love if we are afraid to feel pain. Half of love is pain.
The pain is what wakes us up. Why do we try to hide our pain when in reality its very presence is proof that we will be stronger. It all depends on how we carry it. That is what really matters. Pain is feeling. Feelings are a part of who we are. If we hide them then we are letting society destroy our reality.
Stronger than my pain,
Me.
What the fuck.
Open Scene:
Because my life is like a TV show- I feel like when it is all over and everything is going perfectly I will get the infamous shoulder tap and then I'll hear this deep TV/Radio personality voice tell me "Star Roman, you're on the Truman show."- and right then and there I come to the realization that everything I ever suffered and endured all the obstacles, all the setbacks, all that I've worked so hard to accomplish will somehow be worthless and pure entertainment for others.
End Scene:
Me.
Because my life is like a TV show- I feel like when it is all over and everything is going perfectly I will get the infamous shoulder tap and then I'll hear this deep TV/Radio personality voice tell me "Star Roman, you're on the Truman show."- and right then and there I come to the realization that everything I ever suffered and endured all the obstacles, all the setbacks, all that I've worked so hard to accomplish will somehow be worthless and pure entertainment for others.
End Scene:
Me.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Stars...
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin I tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside of me and you see all the beauty repent on your sin.
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
For now,
Me
Now you're outside of me and you see all the beauty repent on your sin.
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
For now,
Me
Unbecoming..
I'm not going to take it personally- though it is easier said than done. I have to remember that I can’t control how others act, react or deal with issues. I can only control me and how I react or respond to how I am being treated. Distance and deep breathes because I have to stay true to myself above everything.
Walking away,
Me.
Walking away,
Me.
Taming the beast.
When you lose your cool people lose respect for you. Whether you are right or wrong, all that is remembered is that you acted irrationally, you yelled and screamed and you lost control over your emotions. People may fear your rage, but they do not respect you as a result of it.
Fear and respect are two different things.
Fear:
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether it is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Respect:
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.
Pointing out the difference,
Me.
Fear and respect are two different things.
Fear:
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether it is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Respect:
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.
Pointing out the difference,
Me.
The love we deserve...
I deserve the right kind of love. The kind of love that makes me happy. The fantastic love that’s in books and movies. Even if we aren’t together forever, I want to look back and never regret having fallen in love with you.
That’s the kind of love I think we all deserve.
That’s the kind of love I think we all deserve.
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